looking into the glass

Today is one of those days. I often question what I'm doing with myself, doesn't everybody? People say things they don't really want to say. I'm suddenly aware why I'm a recovering alcoholic. Sometimes the drink is better at numbing the pain than everything else. I haven't indulged myself like today since 2003 and I know why I shouldn't make it a habit. Things are really bad at the moment but I've been optimistic all this while. Unfortunately, there is only so much you can lie to yourself before the shit hits the fan! And today, the SHIT HIT THE FAN!! I don't recommend my behaviour because I'm sure to some of you stable people out there, I'm just a fucking pathetic Dick-Wad but I don't give a shit! I've just finished 2 bottles of whisky in an hour - Honest. Glenmorangie and J&B is the perfect help during my time of solace - I'm not proud of this at all, believe me. The memory of my drunken nights and blurring days are rushing back to me. I was a wreck then and I'm following the same path now.

I'm sure you readers will laugh and think that I'm such an unstable Mother-Fucker but honestly, keep your high horse opinion to yourself until you understand what I'm feeling. You don't understand until you're in my situation! Fuck you!! Try drinking 2 whole bottles of hard liquor neat and still be sober and thinking what the right thing you should do next although you are so fucked-up and depressed but you can't show how you feel. Try it!! I know, you Mother-Fuckers out there thinking, whatever Guido, you're just fucked-up. You know what, Fuck you all!!!

What makes it worse is when you have a loved one worried about you. What do you say? Sorry, I'm just fucked! I'm not the best person for you right now, I'm sorry or you just keep quiet. Inevitably, you have to confront her and your failures will affect her. That's what makes it harder because you don't want to fail her. Not to someone you love. It burns through your heart and you can't forgive yourself.

your move

Why is it so complicated? Why can't the path just be clear and sunny? Shouldn't walking down a new route be picturesque with the sun shining down on you? I can only wish. I am at a crossroad, one which would determine my movement for the next 2-5 years at the very least. Like all journeys, you have a choice of 2 different approaches, one of which would be a meticulously planned trip. Everything is laid down months in advance, maps bought and marked, hotels and travel arrangements booked, vaccinations taken, hiking boots broken in, lawyers having your up-to-date copy of the will and friends/family aware of your travel route. It may sound like a nightmare to some but executed properly, the journey would be a blissful experience. No hiccups and no nightmare scenarios. No drama.

For the adventurous, there is a different method of travelling. One that consists of a step-back approach to planning. A destination is chosen, a time scale is roughly considered, a vague budget is saved and the rest is played by ear. Unfortunately, nowadays not many people would consider such a plan because it would be a disaster especially to logical and methodical Architects. Too many variables, too many ways to fuck up. Too much drama.

I'm lucky to have travelled a lot in my lifetime and I've always been an organised traveller. But, this time, for some unknown reason, I've decided to take a road less travelled and not plan a single iota and this scares me. I have never gone through any journey with so little preparation that even a minimalist would call it insane. So, why am I doing it? Why does it feel like I should take this journey? Why does it feel so right?

The real shame in all this is the fact that I've slowly detached myself away from everything and everyone I know. Looks like my journey has already begun...

it's ok, i'm fine

I can't bear to think about this week. It's going to be a stressful week I know. The longer I go on, the more depressive I get. I am trapped in this body and crying out for help but somehow the voices don't get heard. Help me! Help me!! Help meeeeeeeeee!!! Right on cue, Elton John's, Bennie And The Jets plays in the background and I am suddenly thinking about barbiturates. The weekend was greatly needed because I promise to try and give myself a 100% relaxing time without thinking about work. Although it wasn't 100% but it did come close, sort of - 91%. I can honestly count the amount of times I am completely 100% relax with one finger so, it was a great achievement nonetheless.

God, am I that depressive? Am I that miserable? How and when did I become like this? Some days I can't even think, let alone move, how the hell did I get here?! This is just fucked-up! A ginormous one. I'm not a pessimist, I'm not lacking in energy, I'm not thinking of doing a 'McQueen' but sometimes, I feel that everything is superficial and most things are not worth living for. I'm just living for living sake. This is just destructive. People get good at protecting themselves and in the process; they forget who they really are. I know this too well.

In this haze of destruction, there are several external forces that keep me grounded. Some more than others but the effect are still felt. Whether or not these forces have longevity, I have no clue but I do honestly hope it does.

Maybe, this downward spiral is just a temporary thingy and it will pass over. I hope so, for my sake.