looking into the glass

Today is one of those days. I often question what I'm doing with myself, doesn't everybody? People say things they don't really want to say. I'm suddenly aware why I'm a recovering alcoholic. Sometimes the drink is better at numbing the pain than everything else. I haven't indulged myself like today since 2003 and I know why I shouldn't make it a habit. Things are really bad at the moment but I've been optimistic all this while. Unfortunately, there is only so much you can lie to yourself before the shit hits the fan! And today, the SHIT HIT THE FAN!! I don't recommend my behaviour because I'm sure to some of you stable people out there, I'm just a fucking pathetic Dick-Wad but I don't give a shit! I've just finished 2 bottles of whisky in an hour - Honest. Glenmorangie and J&B is the perfect help during my time of solace - I'm not proud of this at all, believe me. The memory of my drunken nights and blurring days are rushing back to me. I was a wreck then and I'm following the same path now.

I'm sure you readers will laugh and think that I'm such an unstable Mother-Fucker but honestly, keep your high horse opinion to yourself until you understand what I'm feeling. You don't understand until you're in my situation! Fuck you!! Try drinking 2 whole bottles of hard liquor neat and still be sober and thinking what the right thing you should do next although you are so fucked-up and depressed but you can't show how you feel. Try it!! I know, you Mother-Fuckers out there thinking, whatever Guido, you're just fucked-up. You know what, Fuck you all!!!

What makes it worse is when you have a loved one worried about you. What do you say? Sorry, I'm just fucked! I'm not the best person for you right now, I'm sorry or you just keep quiet. Inevitably, you have to confront her and your failures will affect her. That's what makes it harder because you don't want to fail her. Not to someone you love. It burns through your heart and you can't forgive yourself.